Discharge

Ok so not the best title & not that kind of discharge but a positive one.

Today I discharged myself from the Homestart organisation.  If you don't know what they do they provide support for families with children under 5 yrs of age.  They provide each family with a volunteer who visits regularly to give the parents a break or provide them with practical help.  They do a fantastic job and for a time knowing that a friendly impartial face would be round to give me a hand helped support me with my depression. 

I've had 3 volunteers & the most recent one deemed me a "good enough" mother, so much so that it wasn't obvious why I needed their support in the first place. I was a bit shocked by this but maybe it's because as a mother I place a huge amount of guilt on myself.  For example, if I have a guest in my home I think it appropriate to have a tidy before they come round, make them a drink & have a chat rather than hand the kids over & go off to do something for myself.  The thing with depression is you hide it - a lot, you don't want to be a burden & you think if you talk to people about it they will pity you, avoid you or think you're a moaning minnie (yes that is a technical term).  So maybe that's why they didn't think I needed them.   

Apparently I demand a lot of myself & have high standards - I fail to see what's wrong with that.  I also have days where I can't get out of bed - literally cannot.  As my darling husband says if I had a broken leg it would be easier for people to see that I'm ill & have a medical condition.  But apart from becoming a bit of a recluse sometimes I don't think it's obvious that I've got depression.  So I'm still a bit confused about the whole discharge thing but basically I decided that I need to get better on my own terms not how well I appear to other people. It might be the sunshine which is making me feel a bit more positive but you know what...I think I can do it - I know I can do it!  Not on my own but with my husband, family & close friends. 

I've been on anti-depressants since DS1 was 9 mths old (apart from when I was pregnant with DS2) & have been upped due to a change in prescription which wasn't as strong as the last.  I'm doing a Wellbeing course about stress for Brownie points from the GP & to see if I can learn anything new. I WANT to get better so will try almost anything.  I'm also starting to make time for myself without beating myself up about it.  So all in all feeling fairly positive & looking forward to the future - there has been a higher quantity of good days lately & it feels great :-)




Disclaimer: Don't for one minute let this put you off contacting Homestart or think I'm criticising them. This is my blog & I'm entitled to my have my opinions & feelings & express them!

Sometimes simple is best

I managed to make a card for DS1's school friend this afternoon whilst DS2 napped on the sofa.

When I'm putting designs together it is often a spur of the moment when I feel like it kind of thing but I needed to get this one done for this afternoon's birthday party. I often feel I am putting too much on a card but what really makes it work is a simple layout & some good accents. I've also stuck to 3 colours.

I'll be making more of these to put in my etsy shop (currently empty), I take commissions - & I'm cheaper than the shops too!

Let the sun shine...

Is it just me or does everything look better when the sun is shining?

After a couple of very bad weeks I am back to "normal" & the added vitamin D shining through my windows is helping. Depression effects everyone differently but when I am having a very bad bout of depression I feel numb, I don't want to go out & I can't think straight, sleep or feel like eating. It can be hard to even start to think about how to make yourself feel better. But I have been good to myself & been to the GP, rested & put myself first for a change - without the usual amount of motherly guilt involved. Luckily hubby had a week off, made sure I got lots of rest and wasn't expected to do anything. I am extremely fortunate to have him as my husband - he is amazing!

My GP is fantastic & aswell as being supportive has referred me for counselling locally - I'm not sure what it's going to entail - I had a leaflet from them & it mentioned Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, an online course or time dedicated to "talking" to one of the counsellors. The thought of "talking" to someone makes me cringe but I'm at the point where I want to get better - the sooner the better - so I will try anything!

I've been dipping in & out of a book I got in the Summer: Climbing Out of Depression by Sue Atkinson. I really identified with the author when she talks about bad days & retreating to your cave - read safe place - for me thats under the duvet! Or snuggled up on the sofa with my boys and a hot chocolate infront of the fire. We had our chimney flue lined this week :-)

I love the sunshine & being outdoors is great for when you're feeling blue - a bit ironic when the last thing you want to do is go out. But if you can, try - you might even hate it whilst you're out there but by the time you get back I bet you feel refreshed. We've even been considering getting a dog to keep me company & we would HAVE to take it for a walk everyday. I know that deep down we would both like our family to grow but we're not ready for another one just yet. I want to get better first & we would probably need a bigger house etc. However if it happens then it's for a reason. I digress...a dog would be a surrogate child & would keep us healthy.

So whilst I have been "resting" we have finally sorted out MY room & it is now some way towards being a bit more haven-like. I'd been looking for a secondhand daybed so when I use it I can relax but my search proved unfruitful. Our boys recently went from junior beds to a bunk bed which left a cotbed languishing in the loft - I am a genius - the cotbed made into daybed with both mattresses on it (extra comfy) & a lovely new throw we have had waiting in the wings to use as best. I just need lots of cushions now. Well it certainly did the trick - I got down to making & designed a nautical style brooch. (I'll add a pic tomorrow) I've been spurred on by a friend to make some more as she thinks they are sellable so no excuses now - time to just do it!


This blog post was inspired by BlackDogTribe.Com who shared a link to this blog today. The fact that other depressed people would be reading this spurred me on to write an honest post rather than worry about what people think of me. Quoting Ruby Wax from the site "One of our biggest problems as a group is we’re isolated, lonely, feeling shame that we might be making it up as many people believe because this disease is invisible to the naked eye. Once you couldn’t say you were gay, at another time you couldn’t say cancer and a long time ago you couldn’t even say you were a witch. Now it’s us, we are the last taboo." Most of the time people only blog about the good stuff, the lovely moments & the beautiful things in life, but sometimes just knowing that someone else is going through the same thing as you can give hope & show there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

BlackDogTribe.com was started by Ruby Wax & is a social place where you can read more about mental health issues such as depression, discover your tribe, chat with Like Minds, blog about your personal experiences and join in on the conversation to break the stigma.