Whoops!

So I signed up for Blogtoberfest (during which I was supposed to blog everyday or at least try) & have not blogged - whoops! Oh well "ne'ermind" as my 2 yr old would say. One of the unspoken symptoms, if you like, of depression is taking too much on - & I can identify with that - knowing you want to help & contribute to the bigger picture but not allowing time for bad days & unexpected events - more recently I have been suffering from migarines . I guess this shows I have been thinking more positively recently as I have not been expecting bad days!

Trying to fit too much in & expecting too much from myself appears to happen quite often. Luckily I have a wonderful support network around me, including 2 of my closest friends who seem to accept me whether I am having a bad day or not, whether I can face it or not & who I can always turn to. & I am very grateful for them. Acceptance can become a bit of a myth when you tell yourself you aren't as good as others or need to try harder & be perfect, as you always feel as though it's you who is falling short & letting everyone down.

I feel I have taken a bit of a risk writing this honest post but I have always worn my heart on my sleeve & those close to me knows my face always gives away what I'm thinking ;-P I hope this encourages others with Postnatal Depression to be a bit more open & honest with those around them. If you are suffering or know someone who is there is a fantastic piece on Netmums of what others can do to help - supporting sufferers.

Depression IS an illness - it's not something you can snap out of so it's vital that you look after yourself & mind & body. Get some rest - look after yourself - if Mama is happy - then everyone's happy - do what you gott do to survive.

My mantra at the moment? Walk in Victory :-)

What next?!

So today has officially been ONE of "those" days....especially in a parenting sense. My eldest started school at the beginning of September & after a week or so of full days we are all starting to feel the strain. Everyone is tired, he is tired because of school, youngest is waking everyone up at 6am or earlier, hubby is working shifts & I, well I have gone a bit nocturnal - too much Twilight perhaps?

From carrots being dropped down toilets to soil being thrown onto a tent, boys "sword-fighting" with bamboo poles, a sugar fuelled birthday party & endless requests for the tv to be turned on, (er no the sun is shining get outside!) we seem to have had it all this weekend. Including one of the boys contributing to my beloved laptop being dropped on the tiled kitchen floor.

Floor 1 - Laptop - 0

Sad though it is, I'm a bit heartbroken - it is my love & joy - my connection to my friends (facebook is easier than texting when you have no signal) & I love the fact that anything I want to know I can look up instantly & I love love LOVE window shopping on t'internet. I'm not sure what the prognosis is - more will be revealed tomorrow when Hubby gets back from his knee X-ray post night shift - ouch! As for me & my nocturnal habits, well I'd like them to shove off really. For the past 4 weeks I have been walking round like a zombie. I just can't seem to sleep. I'm not even tired enough to go to bed, then when I do I just can't drift off. Tried counting sheep, a bath, a milky drink, a notepad to write down any thoughts - truth is it's probably my brain's most productive time of the day - peace & quiet - but I wake the following morning feeling like I've had 10 bacardi & cokes & 2 sambucas. It may have something to do with the fact my anti-ds have been upped but probably more likely is to do with my eldest starting school. Another contributing factor is my frustration that during the day I don't seem to achieve anything without getting interrupted (by all the men in the house) & come evening I am too tired (from not sleeping the night before) to engage in any me time.

As I write this (& it feels good to get it off my chest) I am sat in my room - which I never get to use because of the aforementioned reasons & it has become a dumping ground. Nevertheless it feels good being shut away from the rest of the house in my space - although cluttered (I have a sewing machine between my legs aka Richard) it's cosy & uninterrupted which is what I need right now. Maybe the laptop falling on the floor wasn't such a bad thing? It's got me up here in my space & it's about time it got sorted & achieve something! I've joined the Blogtoberfest which is a bit ambitious but a challenge.

NHM x

ps. my haircut got cancelled again - it's shoulder length now :-)