Return of the...

Apologies for the lack of posts since last Summer.  I've found myself in a rather peculiar situation, where for the first time in months I feel like blogging.  I've been much better depression-wise since the start of last Summer so I've been busy throwing myself into my college course.  The awful winter and lack of sunshine has however taken it's toll and I am now feeling depressed again yet wanting to blog. I feel almost cheated by this blip, but I knew it was coming, I felt it creeping up on me.  Writing, keeping a diary or journal has long been considered therapeutic but that is not why I am writing this post today, I just had a sudden compelling urge to write it down. 

So here goes...I shall try to post as much as possible in future.  I also need to get writing on my other blog but I'm finding wordpress harder to work with so I'm going to have a think over the next few days & possibly transfer it to Blogger.

For now I'll leave you with a picture of my new wellies - can't wait to try them out on the allotment!

Sainsbury's £18

I originally saw a pair on the Next website but I came across these in Sainsbury's & they had 25% off.  I do love a bargain!

Discharge

Ok so not the best title & not that kind of discharge but a positive one.

Today I discharged myself from the Homestart organisation.  If you don't know what they do they provide support for families with children under 5 yrs of age.  They provide each family with a volunteer who visits regularly to give the parents a break or provide them with practical help.  They do a fantastic job and for a time knowing that a friendly impartial face would be round to give me a hand helped support me with my depression. 

I've had 3 volunteers & the most recent one deemed me a "good enough" mother, so much so that it wasn't obvious why I needed their support in the first place. I was a bit shocked by this but maybe it's because as a mother I place a huge amount of guilt on myself.  For example, if I have a guest in my home I think it appropriate to have a tidy before they come round, make them a drink & have a chat rather than hand the kids over & go off to do something for myself.  The thing with depression is you hide it - a lot, you don't want to be a burden & you think if you talk to people about it they will pity you, avoid you or think you're a moaning minnie (yes that is a technical term).  So maybe that's why they didn't think I needed them.   

Apparently I demand a lot of myself & have high standards - I fail to see what's wrong with that.  I also have days where I can't get out of bed - literally cannot.  As my darling husband says if I had a broken leg it would be easier for people to see that I'm ill & have a medical condition.  But apart from becoming a bit of a recluse sometimes I don't think it's obvious that I've got depression.  So I'm still a bit confused about the whole discharge thing but basically I decided that I need to get better on my own terms not how well I appear to other people. It might be the sunshine which is making me feel a bit more positive but you know what...I think I can do it - I know I can do it!  Not on my own but with my husband, family & close friends. 

I've been on anti-depressants since DS1 was 9 mths old (apart from when I was pregnant with DS2) & have been upped due to a change in prescription which wasn't as strong as the last.  I'm doing a Wellbeing course about stress for Brownie points from the GP & to see if I can learn anything new. I WANT to get better so will try almost anything.  I'm also starting to make time for myself without beating myself up about it.  So all in all feeling fairly positive & looking forward to the future - there has been a higher quantity of good days lately & it feels great :-)




Disclaimer: Don't for one minute let this put you off contacting Homestart or think I'm criticising them. This is my blog & I'm entitled to my have my opinions & feelings & express them!

Sometimes simple is best

I managed to make a card for DS1's school friend this afternoon whilst DS2 napped on the sofa.

When I'm putting designs together it is often a spur of the moment when I feel like it kind of thing but I needed to get this one done for this afternoon's birthday party. I often feel I am putting too much on a card but what really makes it work is a simple layout & some good accents. I've also stuck to 3 colours.

I'll be making more of these to put in my etsy shop (currently empty), I take commissions - & I'm cheaper than the shops too!

Let the sun shine...

Is it just me or does everything look better when the sun is shining?

After a couple of very bad weeks I am back to "normal" & the added vitamin D shining through my windows is helping. Depression effects everyone differently but when I am having a very bad bout of depression I feel numb, I don't want to go out & I can't think straight, sleep or feel like eating. It can be hard to even start to think about how to make yourself feel better. But I have been good to myself & been to the GP, rested & put myself first for a change - without the usual amount of motherly guilt involved. Luckily hubby had a week off, made sure I got lots of rest and wasn't expected to do anything. I am extremely fortunate to have him as my husband - he is amazing!

My GP is fantastic & aswell as being supportive has referred me for counselling locally - I'm not sure what it's going to entail - I had a leaflet from them & it mentioned Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, an online course or time dedicated to "talking" to one of the counsellors. The thought of "talking" to someone makes me cringe but I'm at the point where I want to get better - the sooner the better - so I will try anything!

I've been dipping in & out of a book I got in the Summer: Climbing Out of Depression by Sue Atkinson. I really identified with the author when she talks about bad days & retreating to your cave - read safe place - for me thats under the duvet! Or snuggled up on the sofa with my boys and a hot chocolate infront of the fire. We had our chimney flue lined this week :-)

I love the sunshine & being outdoors is great for when you're feeling blue - a bit ironic when the last thing you want to do is go out. But if you can, try - you might even hate it whilst you're out there but by the time you get back I bet you feel refreshed. We've even been considering getting a dog to keep me company & we would HAVE to take it for a walk everyday. I know that deep down we would both like our family to grow but we're not ready for another one just yet. I want to get better first & we would probably need a bigger house etc. However if it happens then it's for a reason. I digress...a dog would be a surrogate child & would keep us healthy.

So whilst I have been "resting" we have finally sorted out MY room & it is now some way towards being a bit more haven-like. I'd been looking for a secondhand daybed so when I use it I can relax but my search proved unfruitful. Our boys recently went from junior beds to a bunk bed which left a cotbed languishing in the loft - I am a genius - the cotbed made into daybed with both mattresses on it (extra comfy) & a lovely new throw we have had waiting in the wings to use as best. I just need lots of cushions now. Well it certainly did the trick - I got down to making & designed a nautical style brooch. (I'll add a pic tomorrow) I've been spurred on by a friend to make some more as she thinks they are sellable so no excuses now - time to just do it!


This blog post was inspired by BlackDogTribe.Com who shared a link to this blog today. The fact that other depressed people would be reading this spurred me on to write an honest post rather than worry about what people think of me. Quoting Ruby Wax from the site "One of our biggest problems as a group is we’re isolated, lonely, feeling shame that we might be making it up as many people believe because this disease is invisible to the naked eye. Once you couldn’t say you were gay, at another time you couldn’t say cancer and a long time ago you couldn’t even say you were a witch. Now it’s us, we are the last taboo." Most of the time people only blog about the good stuff, the lovely moments & the beautiful things in life, but sometimes just knowing that someone else is going through the same thing as you can give hope & show there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

BlackDogTribe.com was started by Ruby Wax & is a social place where you can read more about mental health issues such as depression, discover your tribe, chat with Like Minds, blog about your personal experiences and join in on the conversation to break the stigma.

Laundry Day...

So being ill for a week or two has left me with mountains of Laundry. Having had a browse on the Old Style Forum on MSE I found a way you can cut down on the price of Washing Powder.

I can't find the exact thread but here is the "recipe"

Home Made Washing Powder
1 kg Soda Crystals (90p)
1 kg Posh Washing Powder
1kg Economy (own brand) Washing Powder

I've mixed mine in a large washing powder carton so it's easy to store.

You only need to use half the amount you used before.

You can also use White Vinegar as Fabric Conditioner which I have done before - forumites tend to say 1 or 2 tbsp is enough. The vinegar & soda crystals soften the water & prevent limescale in your washing machine too so it will last longer.

Hubby likes the smell of fabric conditioner so I compromised when shopping yesterday & bought some of Asda's cheap stuff.

First wash is in I'll let you know how it turns out.

Colour your 5 a day

Found these great charts on Netmums - scroll down to "5 a day food charts". DS1 has chosen a veg patch & is highly enthusiastic about colouring his in but then he eats more fruit & veg than anyone else! Not sure there is much point in printing one off for DS2 as he is such a fussy eater - he basically survives on bread, bananas & milk. Have added dried apricots to the shopping list today as he eats raisins he might like those too. Hoping hubby will realise we need to up our portions - yes he has one to fill in too.

Off to the Library with DS1 for some 1-1 time as a treat & cheaper than buying books- one of my weaknesses! We will be looking for some on allotments, craft & eating on a budget aswell as some different bedtime stories & of course a DVD which will probably end up being Batman! 6 bags of clothes to take to the charity shop - had a sort out & there are some things I will never fit in again (how was I ever that thin) and some of DS2's which he has outgrown.

Have a good day!

Meh!

Ok so not the most inpiring blog title but how do you find this period of time inbetween Christmas & New Year?

Having been ill (again) over Christmas I've had a head start when it comes to considering the usual New Years Resolutions
- cutting down alcohol intake
- eating more healthily
- doing more exercise - ok so I need to work on that one!

I'm starting early this time & mine include:

1. More quality family time - With funds being increasingly tight in our household, rising prices, the recession, appliances which keep going wrong, a house which needs almost everything doing to it & an empty oil tank, honestly I could go on...anyway my point is we are certainly going to have to be more creative when it comes to doing things together. DS1 has got into the habit of expecting treats all the time & it's something that we can't afford to carry on - instead of "material" treats I'm going to try & be more organised with my own time so rather than doing jobs/housework I can do X&Y with him instead.
   It's also struck me that I only have DS2 at home for another 1 1/2yrs which freaks me out for 2 different reasons - he is showing no signs of being ready for potty training & DS1 starting school at 4 yrs was too early for me & truth be told I'm still adjusting to it.
   Considering we live 20 minutes from the beach it's quite shocking that we haven't been for over a year - we have so many beautiful places in nature on our doorstep & we will be resolving that this year!
   
   
2. Thrift - I have always been drawn to the 40s & 50s: the way of life, Make Do & Mend, the fashion & the strong sense of community in wartime Britain. This year we'll be looking to start an allotment - I have no idea how we will do as we can't even seem to sort out our own garden! Also I'll be experimenting with as many money saving ideas as possible inlcuding nagging my family to turn lights & electrical items off when not in use to Martin Lewis' Money Mantra which you can print off his website for free. Unfortunately I tend to indulge in retail therapy when I'm feeling down so this will be a challenge!
   
   
3. Eating Healthily - & on a budget. I'll be trying my best to go back to meal planning like I did pre-kids & using up what we have in the cupboard, making bread & cooking things from scratch more often. Making sure that hubby & I are getting our 5 a day & cutting out fat where possible. Hopefully there will be some fruits from our labour on the allotment .
   
   
4. Less PC/TV - I honestly can't figure out why we pay our TV license at the moment. It's either depressing soaps, cop shows (which aren't remotely interesting for obvious reasons) or shallow reality TV. I keep an eye on the news but generally find it so depressing I don't watch it much. Social networking/internet can make you think you "want" things you will never need or that other peoples lives are much more exciting than yours, people don't call each other anymore & there can be a pressure to keep up with the Jones. Sadly some people who don't have the excuse of engaging in Social Networking don't keep in touch. Life is short - do what makes you happy & care for others!
   
   
5. Exercise - Ugh, I've already lost my enthusiasm since writing this bullet point - lets call it a work in progress... I'll definitely be able to fit in some family walks & a spot of Zumba if I try hard.
   
   
6. Be more organised - My lovely Dad has bought me another Dairy Diary for Christmas this year which I have already filled with Hubby's new shift pattern - so much easier to plan ahead already.
   
   
7. Me time - Somehow I AM going to work in some me time. Hopefully being more organised will enable me to structure my time a bit more & have less guilt about doing something for myself even if the dishes/whatever is piled up. The last 4/5 years have centred around Hubby's rubbish shift patterns. A big part of me really misses having a purpose (my job) & using my brain but as hard as I find being a stay-at-home Mum, (I'm sure I'm not alone in it driving me crazy on occasions) I think I've done a pretty good job of bringing up my boys.
   
   When I started this blog it was suggested that I call it "Tales From the Ladyshed" - hopefully after all this hard work my ambition of having my own studio in the garden will be fulfilled but for now I need to get my homemade self into the back bedroom & get my creative self motivated. My wonderful friend Marion Barnett aka http://artmixter.blogspot.com/ has written a book on the subject & as her slave I mean apprentice I got one. So this is where I'll start Finding Your Creative Focus
   

& now for the Spiritual bit...

I am feeling much better (PND-wise) recently & looking back over the past year I can see how much we've grown as a Christian family. We've personally experienced the power of prayer & nowadays rather than worry about things I put it to prayer instead. My anxiety is much less. It's amazing the path God takes you down. Often people come to God when going through an extreme low - it was after being in the depths of despair around a year ago, that a door was opened through our awful experience, we prayed our way through it as a couple (even though Hubby still had doubts) & were given the opportunity to get close to God again. We went on the Alpha Course & had an amazing time at Newday. Since DH & I got married we've attended a few different churches but none have felt just right - like we fit in - we've been welcomed with open arms by our new family Dereham Wellspring Church & its beginning to feel like home. Despite the shifts we're both looking forward to Cell Groups & getting to know the church family better & Hubby is looking to get a date in the diary for his Baptism!

I think that some of these resolutions will help us "obey God rather than men." Acts 5:29